Helping Liberals: The Next Campaign at Tartin Mop

We know that so called liberal Christianity and its many denominational cheerleaders have embraced same-sex marriage. Unlike us old fashioned types who shackle ourselves to some old book, liberals adeptly move with the times, reinterpreting the old ideas in the light of our better knowledge of science and cultural developments. Although I have been known to sometimes criticise liberals for their fluid views, in today’s blog post I am offering them a hand. I have drafted a statement which Methodists, or the Kirk, or whoever, can copy, amend and publish on their own websites- all for free! You must be wondering what inspired my generosity. Well, perhaps the spirit of Christmas has been tugging at my heart. Dr Denmars (she/hers) of Ichabod Chapel, Tartin Mop, has already agreed to use it, and is thrilled by the content. So what is it all about?

Well same-sex marriage is so passé, so 2014. Liberals need new and refreshing ways to show how liberal they are. Secondly, they have a habit of being a little slow to catch up to the worldly values they always chase, so this will help them get ahead of the game. There will soon be a campaign afoot to legalise marriages between humans and trees. It is still in its early stages, and it has thus far failed to capture the public’s imagination. All great campaigns are unpopular at first, however, and it takes brave and radical Christian thinkers and trailblazing churchmen to boldly go where no church has gone before. So, here it is!

Dear friends and fellow Christians,

After many years/months/days/hours (delete as appropriate) of prayer, theological reflection and contemplation, the (fill in the blanks with the name of your liberal denomination) Church has come to the heartfelt conclusion that union between people and trees is not only accepted in scripture but would be something our Church should actively encourage. God, the creator of all, designed us with a desire to be with our trees and it is the Church’s job to endorse, celebrate and support those relationships. Over several years/months/days/hours (delete as appropriate), we have come to realise the enormity of our former prejudice and we hereby renounce it; our denomination no longer rejects human+tree marriage. We formally repent of that prejudice and understand and acknowledge the hurt we have caused to people who have close relationships with their shrubs, saplings, conifers and other varieties of woodland inhabitant. The Church should be a place of inclusion, not exclusion. Anything that involves love is something we should promote, because God is a God of love. In the myth of the Garden of Eden, we see 'Adam and Eve' being portrayed as living among trees and eating their fruit. We long for the day when people and trees and can again be united in love and harmony, no longer shamed for who God made them to be.

Secondly, we note that Jesus was a carpenter so he would have had a special care for trees and the timber they produced. Several times he refers to trees in his teachings, showing the special relationship he had with them. Not only did he approve of trees, many of which would have been marginalised and castigated in the first-century as sub-human, but he gave them a status and dignity that many even today would deny them. By affirming trees and their relationships with humans, we are proclaiming and sharing the love of God towards all creation.

God created us to be happy and fulfilled. Any who find themselves drawn to tree marriage are to be celebrated and respected, included and accepted. This is, after all, what Christianity is all about. Many people find themselves drawn to human+tree marriage; they are to be tolerated and endorsed, as we express our love for them. We therefore invite you to join us and the tree community as we reject together millennia of exploitation and hurt, and proclaim a God who accepts everyone and every loving relationship.

Of course, we understand and respect that a minority of people in our Church may disagree with our position. We sympathise that your levels of wokeness have not yet developed and grown to the same level as ours, and that you are hanging onto the oppressive and stifling prejudices of a former generation. Not only shall we pray for you, but we shall still allow you to remain in our denomination, as we are shrinking so rapidly that if you leave there will hardly be anyone else left.

Yours in Christian love,

Rev Dr Ms Alana Denmars (she/hers), Ichabod Chapel/Your own denomination's bishop's/leader's name goes here