Tartin Mop: Calling All Evangelicals

Twenty years ago, I recall attending meetings of our denomination’s ruling council. The financial forecasts were dire, as our churches kept closing. I could not understand why this was the case. We were nice, liberal folk, neatly adapting our theology to suit the prevailing cultural trends, yet financial giving fell and numbers continued to decrease. In recent years, we were saved. Those churches more inclined towards fundamentalist evangelicalism kept leaving, which provided us with a wonderful windfall. Because their buildings belong to us, it meant we could sell them when they left and keep all the money. Indeed, many of them pay us to have their buildings back, and we charge them an hourly rent until we deign to complete the paperwork.

Unfortunately, we are beginning to run out of evangelicals who will buy back their buildings from us, and financial forecasts are once again looking bleak. I therefore make an appeal to fundamentalists and other hardliners (who believe in things like the 'resurrection' of Jesus and the 'miracles' he 'performed') to kindly consider joining our denomination, even if it’s just for a few months or weeks. That way, when you come to leave, we can sell you back your building. You get to keep it in the end, and we get another £150k to prop us up: everyone’s a winner! Please contact me for an application form.

Yours Wokely,

Rev Dr Ms Alana Denmars (she/hers),

Ichabod Chapel, Tartin Mop