Now Available: Build-Your-Own Church Kits

Submitted by Alan Marsden on Sat, 18/07/2020 - 00:00

 

Build Your Own Liberal Church Kit

  • Set of 12 prayer pebbles for quiet reflection
  • Rainbow flag to show inclusivity
  • Free church calendar showing which Sundays are dedicated to caring for the environment
  • Vegan church lunch menu, proceeds to local LGBTQ awareness charity
  • 3x social justice posters, 1x Question-Mark poster for use at Easter
  • 6 chairs included (plus an extra 3 in case your congregations doubles at Christmas)
  • Sermon aids included: Books by Rowan Williams, set of novels, anything you want, really. 
  • Wooden cross with flower mural expressing patriarchy’s systemic oppression of womanhood.
  • Edited Bibles with all miracles, moral demands and references to God the Father removed.
  • Special discounts for straight conversion therapy and transsexual surgery to give your ministry that radical, cutting edge.

Build Your Own Charismatic Church Kit

  • Whizzy, interactive website, with special section all about ‘Senior Pastors John and Sally Smith’
  • £500 pastor's essential clothes vouchers: skinny jeans, designer tee shirt, Adidas pumps 
  • Worship Band: comes with three guitars, drum kit, saxophone. Order before August and get a free bass player who strums away without saying a word.
  • Extra thick carpet for laying on
  • Complimentary dimmer switch to turn the lights down to help the spirit move
  • No pew Bibles included, but one complimentary copy of Peterson’s The Message to preach from.
  • Fully automated worship-leader robot, pre-programed to say such phrases as:

“Hey Guys, it’s amazing to see you!”

“Let’s all shout to the Lord!”

“I think the Lord is trying to tell us something, he says ‘I love you, my people'”

“If anyone would like to prayed for, please come out to the front right now”

“Hands Down for Coffee”

-always begins ‘worship’ with lively praise, slowing descending to gentle ministry-time smoochers

-all songs set to automatic, continuous repeat, saving you time and effort

  • Ten-year license for Hill Songs/or a random lyric generator to write your own.
  • An instruction booklet on how to:
  1. -Rename your church a ‘campus’.
  2. -End every online statement with an exclamation mark
  3. -Choose a name (e.g. King’s Church, Revive Anytown, Anytown Christian Fellowship)

 

Build Your Own Reformed Church Kit

  • 60x AV Bibles. ESVs can be purchased for a supplement.
  • Prominent pulpit for proper preaching
  • 15 free ladies’ hats, including 12 beret-style, all black or navy blue.
  • 3 x grey deacons’ suits included.
  • 200 brown, leather-effect chairs with back-holders for Christian Hymns.
  • Brown curtain to cover the wall behind your pulpit
  • One upright piano
  • Sermon aids included: set of hardback Calvin’s Commentaries for pastor’s bookshelves; complete works of John Owen
  • Special doorstop to allow the elect to enter without the need to go looking for them
  • Year’s supply of Reformation Today
  • Choose a name guide e.g. Anytime Reformed Church, Bethel Evangelical Free Church

 

Build Your Own Classical Pentecostal Church Kit

  • Wooden box containing tambourines 
  • Electric organ and piano, helpfully positioned to face each other
  • Non-alcoloholic communion wine
  • Sunday evening gospel services guide included
  • Pentecostal hymnal, including lively gospel hymns and a few trite choruses with no meaning whatsoever
  • Free clapometer 
  • Free guide to constructing sentences using random vowels and syllables 
  • Selection of colourful hats for the ladies to show their modesty 
  • Thick mat to place in sanctuary for use in the weekly altar calls

 

Build Your Own Prosperity Church Kit

  • Extra-large collection buckets
  • ‘Let’s give the Lord a mighty hand of praise!’ cue on large screens so the congregation knows when to clap and whoop
  • Specially thick carpets for your stage, with coloured up-lighting, large pot plants and impressive chair for visiting apostles
  • Sermon aids included: large cheque prop, Mercedes car for the pastor, $5000 voucher towards private jet.
  • 1200x cinema-style seats with padded head-rests.
  • Teeth whitener for those pristine, permanent smiles.
  • Free list of apostles and prophets in your local area with whom you can link up and send cheques
  • Set of 6 inspiration posters, saying ‘Be Who God wants you to be’, ‘Fulfill your Destiny’, ‘Your Future’s Going to be GREAT’, ‘God thinks you’re ACE’, ‘Just be Yourself’, 'Our Apostle is Wonderful'. 
  • Choose a name guide eg Heart Church, Bayside, Outrageous, Connection.
  • Standing Order forms x 10,000
Thankfully, such kits do not exist. There are those churches and fellowships which are faithful to the gospel & God's word, and there are those that aren't. Our church manual is the Bible.